Knowing and proving are two different things....By: Keith Cross

I often get the statement. “I know my wife/ husband is cheating." As a rookie investigator I used to think “Sweet, a slam dunk in no time…” however I soon learned that knowing and proving are two different things.

Often a partner knows that something is amiss in their relationship. His or her partner isn’t interested in sex, isn’t home much or is very elusive about cell phone or credit card bills (these are actual examples from non cheating cases). It is easy to think the worst and jump straight to it. “They must be cheating!” that may very well be true, however there are times when it isn’t. In several of the above cases the spouse was not cheating: one was a shop-aholic who had run up massive debt; one was being extorted by a business partner; and one had a sexual disorder that developed over time and was embarrassed he wasn’t able to perform. In each of these cases, it took almost as much work to convince the client of the real situation as it did to solve the case.

I now, somewhat more seasoned, flinch when I hear “I know they are cheating." This usually means some preconceived notions about what is going on: “She won’t cheat with the kids around…I only want surveillance when I have custody and on Saturday evenings because she wouldn’t go out in the afternoon.” If the client has a very specific idea of when he or she wants work to be conducted, and I can’t talk the client out of it, I will perform my duties as best as I can. However often the client is not able to understand why the investigator has not be able to locate the affair since they have given them such specific details of when they “know” it is happening.

But let's assume that the spouse in question is indeed cheating, as often is the case. Even though you, and possibly I, know the spouse is cheating, we must still prove it—which has very specific requirements in your jurisdiction.  If you only want to prove that your spouse is cheating for the sake of your own knowledge, then it is a much easier prospect, perhaps simply seeing him or her at the bar with a “friend” is enough (it isn’t generally in court).

The moral of the story? If you “know” your spouse is cheating let your investigator help run down the possibilities. You, hopefully, have only had to go through this once whereas your investigator does this for a living, and if he is like me, is very good at what he does. Let the investigator help guide the investigation and offer input to your situation. You and your investigator should be a team and have the trust and confidence in each other that allows for a speedy (and thus cost-effective) solution to the problem. 

As always, Trust but Verify…
Keith Cross

Keith Cross is operations officer for Black Ice Security, a former Marine and current lead investigator for Black Ice security. Keith Cross has conducted hundreds of investigations ranging from domestic to corporate and criminal defense. He is currently a registered private investigator in Virginia.